Aphrodisiac Conquests
by medic2be
Summary: In which a psycho-seductive Sakura drugged up on prototype aphrodisiacs has been set loose on the poor unsuspecting males of Konoha. A case of mistaken identity and botched confessions to keep a certain Uchiha on his toes. All in a good days work.


**Title:** Aphrodisiac conquests

**Author: **medic2be

**Beta-ed by:** N/A

**Characters/Pairing: **Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Itachi

**Type:** One-shot (Complete)

**Genre:** Romance

**Word Count:** 1981

**Theme:** N/A

**Rating: **T

**Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs to Kishimoto-san.

**Summary: **In which a psycho-seductive Sakura, accidentally drugged up on prototype aphrodisiacs has been set loose on the poor unsuspecting males of Konoha. A case of mistaken identity and botched confessions keeps a certain Uchiha on his toes. All in a good days work... Crack-fic ItaSaku Non-massacre AU. One shot

**Created on:** 20/03/09

**Completed on:** 22/03/09

* * *

It was the late hours of the afternoon and the ANBU captain had just returned from a mission along with his team. Not wanting to return to the clan holdings where he'll no doubt be pestered by his father, the clan patriarch, for his prolonged status as a bachelor, the Uchiha proceeded to brood about his situation on the very red bridge, often frequented as a meeting point for training and the such by the infamous Team 7, his little otouto's team.

At the grand old age of 26, the Uchiha heir was the most sought after bachelor in Konoha. Members of the female persuasion would often gush about his dreamy good looks, mysterious standoffishness and impressive shinobi prowess along with the eminent fact that he was the heir to the poweful Uchiha Clan. However, despite Itachi's horde of fan girls, he was content with being single…for now at least.

There had only been one female that had ever intrigued him, but it would seem the only woman that he'd ever wanted was... interested in the wrong Uchiha, although rumours have never been confirmed either way. Itachi's eyes narrowed in displeasure and he inwardly berated himself for being a masochist and wanting the one thing that was unattainable.

A cool spring breeze swept a gentle flurry of cherry blossoms around the stoic Uchiha, the breeze gently lifting silky ebony bangs across contemplative onyx orbs. Itachi was jolted out of his inward musings and surveyed his surroundings, _'cherry blossoms' _he thought with an ironic smirk, _'how appropriate,'_ it would seem that nature was mocking him with her namesake _'Sakura…'_

Despite Itachi's inner conflict, he would not begrudge Sasuke his happiness with Sakura. He had seen them interacting often when she came by the Uchiha compound along with the Kyuubi boy and the ink using ROOT to pester his younger brother and raid their fridge. Itachi's lips curled at the thought of the bottomless pit that was Uzumaki Naruto. '_Yes_' he thought, it was difficult not to notice team 7's obvious affection towards each other, reflected by their superior team dynamics. But the relationship between Sasuke and Sakura had always been slightly different. Sasuke was the only one that Sakura had ever added the affectionate –'kun' suffix to, not even Neji, whom Sakura had briefly dated when she was 17 had that particular distinction.

Itachi reminisced over the genin days when Sakura had had a huge crush on his little brother, being a general annoyance and causing Sasuke to push her away, sending her ranting to him about "that moron of a younger brother of yours" Itachi smirked at the very accurate summation.

Although Itachi disapproved of Sasuke's brash demeanour, it was times like those that Itachi wished that Sasuke still held the same distance towards Sakura. After the disastrous fiasco of their first chunin exam, Sakura, for the first time showed her true potential to becoming a formidable kunoichi.

Time and training with the legendary slug sanin and their Hokage, Tsunade, had tempered Sakura into a beautiful and powerful kunoichi that made even Sasuke take more interest. _'His brother wasn't the only one,' _Itachi mused with a sardonic sneer. The pink haired kunoichi left a trail of star struck admirers in her wake and her obliviousness to her own charm only attracted Itachi to her more, along with being one of the very few people able to hold their own against him in a spar of both the verbal and physical kind. He could admit her to having gained his respect and attention.

Having reached stalemate with the rather hopeless situation involving his brother and the beautiful Cherry Blossom of Konoha, the Uchiha decided to make his way home and report his return to his parents and see if his mother had any of her famous onigiri left. Before Itachi could complete this rather mixed bag of thoughts he was jolted out of his senses by a familiar musical voice that sent pleasant tingles traversing the length of his spine.

"I've been looking everywhere for you _Uchiha-sama_," an exasperated voice purred seductively.

"…" Itachi turned to see the very woman that had been plaguing his thoughts, a carefully neutral expression spread across his aristocratic features.

"Mou…." Sakura pouted, a mischievous twinkle lighting up her verdant eyes. "One would think you were…displeased by my presence, I had thought we were over _**that **_years ago."

Itachi frowned almost imperceptibly in consternation at her rather _odd_ and unusually flirty behaviour. '_What was she talking about?'_ The two of them had always had an easy and amicable relationship ever since he had saved her from all those bullies when she had been 5, almost 15 years ago, granted they haven't talked much lately. But that was to be expected due to increased mission quotas and Itachi's recent struggles over his feelings for her. _'Heck! She didn't know… did she?'_

"…Hn?..." had been Itachi's articulate reply.

Sakura laughed, "Why, I have finally found my courage to confess of course."

Itachi unstuck his throat, "Confess?"

Sakura laughed again, the merry sound causing Itachi's attention to focus on her full, plump and soft lips. Lips which were giving him a strange urge…to kiss? Pulling himself from the dangerous direction his thoughts were wandering towards his brother's team mate and possible girlfriend, Itachi tuned in to what she was currently saying.

"Have you forgotten the _hours_ we spent discussing how I would go about confessing my feelings to your brother?"

In Itachi's opinion, this conversation was decidedly taking a strange turn that even his genius mind was finding difficult to follow. Whilst Sakura had ranted to him frequently of her crush on Sasuke when she had been 12, he did not recall ever having discussed tactics at confessing her feelings to said brother. _'So the rumours were true then.'_ The impending confession of Sakura's implied romantic feelings towards his brother did not sit well with Itachi. "_What was this strange, painful tightness he was feeling around his chest?"_

Oblivious to Itachi's emotional epiphany, Sakura cast an assessing eye over the Uchiha. "It's just as well that I found you, you can help me practice."

"Practice?" Itachi echoed.

Sakura shot him, in his opinion, an adorably puzzled look. '_Adorably?_' Itachi inwardly winced, next thing you know he'll be wearing spandex and proclaiming the 'Joyful flames of Youth!' like the brow-challenged Tai-jutsu master and his 'dynamic' protégé. A dumbstruck look of abject disgust crossed Itachi's handsome features as he was left mentally scarred for life with the imagery.

Sakura did not notice the vaguely constipated look that crossed the Uchiha's face and carried on obliviously. "Yes, practice, that's what I said. Why are you being so slow and parroting everything I'm saying today?'' A suspicious glint appeared in her emerald eyes, "Hang on, you haven't been hanging around Naruto excessively have you? If I didn't know better, I'm beginning to think his stupidity is contagious,"

'_Yep'_ Itachi mentally nodded '_definitely a strange direction this conversation is heading towards, I try to avoid that blond brat when possible. I'm sure my ear drums are no longer the same since my last encounter with him.' _So preoccupied was Itachi worrying about his ears and the mental integrity of the kunoichi before him, he failed to notice Sakura had insulted him. Itachi blinked. Once. Twice. Three times.

"Hn."

"Jeez Sasuke-kun, what's up your ass, you were fine an hour ago."

Before Itachi could process the dramatic implications of her latest extraordinary statement and the giddy feeling of the sudden realisation, Sakura had subtly slinked towards him so that she was firmly pressed against the side of Itachi not leaning against the bridge. Her soft curves and feminine fragrance inundated Itachi's senses and short circuited his brain. "_What was so important about her last statement again?"_

Sakura shot Itachi a coy look and twined a lock of his hair around her fingers, "I've been meaning to tell you for a while now…that I…well…um…IthinkI'mdevelopingfeelingsforyou…more than friendship I mean"

"…"

"How was that?" Sakura nervously biting her lip in anticipation of the verdict of her brilliantly succinct confession.

"Are you on drugs?" Poor Itachi was still slightly flustered at Sakura's close proximity and didn't know how very right he was.

Before Sakura could even start harnessing her incredible strength to punch his lights out over his scathing attack on her (in her addled opinion) wonderfully witty confession, a clearly panicked Sasuke bounded onto the bridge interrupting one concerned Uchiha heir and one clearly infuriated pink haired team mate. "Sakura, there you are, the dobe has been looking for you for the past hour!" To his brother, Sasuke gave a nod in acknowledgement.

"Hello Sasu-!" Sakura trilled before snapping her neck with a blinding speed that made both Uchiha brothers wince, to face, horror struck, the man she was currently pressed so intimately against. "Wait, if that's Sasuke-kun over there then you are…. Oh dear." Was the shocked reply before Sakura promptly fainted with the information overload and her case of mortifying mistaken identity.

"Hn." Itachi made to catch the unconscious kunoichi whilst shooting an enquiring look at Sasuke.

A sheepish expression briefly darted across Sasuke's face. "Er…what did she…um…do?"

"Hn." Was the sharp reply, giving no arguments that Itachi wanted an answer to Sakura's decidedly odd behaviour now.

"She didn't go all psycho seductive on you did she?"

Itachi raised an elegant brow, "Amongst other things including mistaking me for you."

"Oh…"

"Sasuke…" was the final warning.

Sasuke gulped, he may be an elite jonin member of the infamous team 7 but this was his brother, the fearsome ANBU captain. "Well the thing is Sakura has liked you for ages now and she's always chickened out of confessing, and since you like her too…"

'_So Sasuke noticed' _was Itachi's thoughts '_He's more perceptive than I gave him credit for._' Itachi filed this information away for later perusal.

"…So the dobe decided it would be a good idea to match make you two since neither of you were going to do anything about it yourselves. We…er stole a sample of a prototype aphrodisiac that Sakura had been working on and erm put some in Sakura's ramen at lunch time."

At this Sasuke's face contorted in a grimace as if recounting painful memories. "Well being a prototype, Sakura kinda went a bit crazy and the stuff seem to have tampered with her vision, though I suppose part of the purpose of an aphrodisiac is to make someone seem more…appealing."

Itachi shot an incredulous look _'Crazy, that's a bit of an understatement.'_

"Anyway," continued Sasuke, "Sakura's been wreaking havoc for the past four hours on the male population of Konoha." Sasuke shuddered remembering the trail of nose bleeds that his team mate had left in her wake. "It's just as well as you weren't here earlier aniki." Sasuke brightened "At least she confessed right!"

"Hn." It would seem things weren't so hopeless after all and his feelings towards the beautiful Cherry Blossom were reciprocated. Sasuke had also unwittingly confirmed that the rumours of her romantic involvement with his brother were just that, rumours. Feeling a load lifted from his mind, Itachi remembered the repercussions of Sakura rampage brought on by doubtable mental stimulants.

Itachi shot a disapproving glare at Sasuke. It would seem he had Sakura's fanboys to take care of after his foolish otouto's and his dobe friend's latest stunt. A sadistic smirk crossed his features. Dealing with Sakura's pesky fanboys would be an endeavour he would enjoy immensely especially now that she was _his_. Itachi liked the sound of that '_His Cherry Blossom_.' With that last pleasant thought and mentally going over the best _Katon Jutsus_ he knew, Itachi tightened his grip on the kunoichi still out for the count in his arms and disappeared in a flurry of ash.

"Poor Lee…" Sasuke shivered having recognised his brother's intent.

* * *

For someone so perceptive, Itachi sure is a fool when it comes to his feelings. Well he was always emotionally constipated. hehehe

Itachi...in Spandex....mmmmmm (need I say more?)

AN: Questions you may have...

Sasuke may seem a little OOC but I suppose if his clan wasn't massacred he would find making and keeping bonds easier. I can just imagine Sasuke getting sucked into Naruto's hare-brained schemes.

For those of you wondering why Itachi would assume Sakura was in a relationship with his younger brother: I think apart from the reasons listed in the fic, Sasuke, once he discovered Itachi's crush on his team mate would most definitely find ways to torment his dear aniki by exploiting his relationship with Sakura. Nothing more healthy than a bit of Sibling Rivalry.

And yes! Sakura and Itachi have been friends for a looooong time

Any and all comments and opinions are welcome!

Happy Reading!

medic2be


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